My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.