Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.