Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Baller is short for ballerina
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.