My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
john wicks are toilet candles
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere