Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You Might Also Like
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Great Canadian literature.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup