HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
This hospital has everything
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*