When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his