I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian