Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]