Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad