If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool