@KimmyMonte: HEY UNCLES - KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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@candace_9871: I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
@TheGrimKing: Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
@IamJackBoot: At this late date, the only way I'm gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.