@KimmyMonte: HEY UNCLES - KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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@ElgatoEsmio: "Babe I'm ready for bed" "Why so early its the weekend?" [background] "Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison's local business men"
@WorkingMom86: My son plays this game where he's a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
@Snotgun: I've conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can't take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.
@PaperWash: My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.