@junejuly12: Hey vegans. Making a salad is not "cooking". Making a salad is "assembling".
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@TheMichaelRock: Today's assignment: pay it backwards. Tell the person in front of you that they're paying for your shit.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
@VodkaThursday: To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!