Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
sin harder.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am