Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
A classic…
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Body by cheese-puffs.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.