@CulturedRuffian: Hey waiters-I don't ever 'save room for dessert', I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don't have an accident.
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@TheToddWilliams: [cat adoption agency] Counselor: ...*slowly pushes my application off the counter* Me: What the hell? Counselor: You're not ready
@nachosarah: when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend