Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost