Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP