Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Haha good job!!
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in