@tastefactory: Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.
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@patnspankme: Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
@truegritrumble: ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT! SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN. ME: *defensive* They are our children.
@TheDailySchmuck: I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto
@KrunkedRobot: My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.