Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My biological clock is wheezing.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
SCARY COSTUME
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands