@madamezooble: Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
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@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
@JimmerThatisAll: If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son's dating a scientologist
@AimeeHelene1: I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.