Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You Might Also Like
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point