“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
You Might Also Like
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”