@amydillon: "Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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@DadandBuried: "Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!" - My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
@ThisOneSayz: *orders large pizza* *opens box* "Let's do this...wait" "Safety first," I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
@No_Job_Joe: My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don't see why he can't just clean it off his desk, and move on.