Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
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“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.