Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect