@DamienFahey: Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
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@thenoahkinsey: I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn't know where it was
@Poutymcgee: Friend: *passes me her newborn baby* Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?
@flashember: DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it