6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.