“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what