Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.