Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.