Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT