Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.