@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
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@pleatedjeans: new boss: mind sharing an office? me: no NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@SufficientCharm: A woman isn't really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.