@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
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@DanMentos: "my dad could beat up your dad" we're brothers you idiot *cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
@priya_ebooks: o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don't listen to women
@TravLeBlanc: "What would Jesus do?" is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he'd get out and walk to shore. See?
@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.