@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich
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@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
@matt_travelling: Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
@bggas400: She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
@stephenjmolloy: Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir. Me: It's my guide dog. Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter...