@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Lmfao
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
mood
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”