”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.