when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
You Might Also Like
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Can’t. Being lazy.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”