not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My neck my back my allergy attack
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane