@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
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@CopBroughtPizza: cow: where does milk come from? me: *laughs* cow: *laughs* farmer: *laughs* milk man: *laughs* everyone: *laughs* cow: but no, seriously.
@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@david8hughes: [parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."