Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
#oldknees
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Scream sneezers need love too.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!