@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
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@iinkedZombie: Wife [returns home] have you eaten Me: have you eaten Wife: are you copying me?! Me: are you copying me Wife: I Love You Me: I already ate
@DanMentos: John: we need a new word for foolishness Tom: How about johnfoolery lol John: Ok that's definitely what I'm writing down
@eyeswidebutt: did you write "call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex" on the bathroom stall? [wearing my "I hate gary" tshirt]: no