@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
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@BuckyIsotope: HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY'S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL Oh god, is he sick HE'S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I'M A NERD. CALL 911
@RidiculousSheri: He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
@badbanana: That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.
@dance_blessed: Dear car commercials, You probably don't mean to scare me but "German engineering" is also why I don't have so many cousins today.