Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Best seat on the street 😍
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?