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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My background check bounced.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
let’s discuss
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.