*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training