@lecalabara: Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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@Pastor_Bert: Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?
@kendragaylord: [Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
@3sunzzz: My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.