Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.