Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.