Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not