HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
This is true.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.