Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?