9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.