Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign