@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress] COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company! COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

@TheTweetOfGod: What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

@TheBoydP: I'm not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I'm just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion...

@mlevchin: Front page of cnn.com features "Cats that look like Hitler". Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

@nikkithecanuck: Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver