Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?