@sammyrhodes: Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

@mugkip: WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*

@MauriceBlitz: I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.

@ChrisStokdyk: Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, "My God, I look like a pillow" ? If so, that's not a mirror - it's your pillow.