Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
life finds a way
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.