Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
This 4th of July, please remember…
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..