Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it